What Your Badass Girl Really Wants for Valentines

Got a girl who can run faster, lift harder, and climb higher than the chick next door? Try not to make her gag with stereotypical flowers this Valentines.

Clueless men everywhere have been inundated with commercials promising that their women will get knobby knees over pink hearts and sparkles this year. I call BS.

Badass girls have steady knees and they have nowhere to put your stupid flowers because… they drink their green smoothies from a vase. That’s how much green smoothie they drink. Yeah.

If you have a badass, athletic girlfriend, here’s what you need to know to please her:

3 Valentine Gifts That Suck Butt Nuts

1. Flowers

It’s hard to water flowers when you’re hanging off the side of a cliff or running on the beach in your jammies. Plus flowers are temporary. They die. Badass girls can’t relate to this. They like practical things that last forever, so if you want to get her a plant, try something that will grow food she can eat after she’s done 71 pushups.

(See me doing 71 pushups >> http://www.facebook.com/v/10150492637001922)

2. Jewelery

Jewelery gets in the way when you’re lifting weights and making the boys blush. While it’s nice to have some pieces tucked away for a special occasion, this isn’t something your athletic girl can use every day.

She doesn’t want to keep valuables in her gym locker and she certainly doesn’t want to lose your ring on the trail. If you’re determined to slap something on her wrist, maybe try a Road I.D. It says, “I know you like wandering in the woods lifting logs and shit, but I’m actually fond of you so I’d like you to come back at some point. Dead or alive.”

3. Chocolate.

Just kidding. Chocolate’s fine. Pass it here.

3 Valentine Gifts That Are Awesome Sexpants

1. Electronics

Gadgets are not just for dudes. Badass girls are just as fascinated with gadgets.

Here are some to consider:

  • GPS says: “I don’t want to lose you.”
  • Kindle says: “You have a hot ass AND you can read.”
  • MP3/iPod says: “You don’t always have to listen to my stupid shit.”

2. Chores

Badass girls do a ton of stuff to keep your home cozy and clean on top of being insanely awesome and making all your friends jealous. It’s a lot of work. So throw your girl a favor and pick up some dishes or fold some laundry. NAKED.

3. Gift cards.

Your girl wants a ton of stuff and you have no clue what those things are. You will never have a clue. So give her a card and cut her loose. Let her go nuts on Amazon or at her favorite athletic store (If it’s Lululemon, she’s probably not badass. Try the flowers).

With gift cards, she can buy Kindle books, running skirts, or cute tiny tops that say badass, possibly-sexual things. Drive her to the places she wants to go and sit there waiting patiently for her without complaining even once. She may just want a vacuum. Or a weight set. Or a dog. Either way, you have no idea.

A Fool-Proof Note for Dudes

Badass girls love gifts that are genuine, no matter what they are. If you get her flowers that you deliver with all your love, she will probably adore them. If you bake her cookies from your heart and they taste like fart, she may still eat them.

The best gift you can give your girl is YOU. Just cuddle her on the couch and let her have the remote. Don’t judge her. Don’t mess up her gym bag. And don’t you dare cut her workouts short.

 A Note to Badass Ladies

Guys are clueless. You will both be happier if he’s not guessing what you want to do for Valentine’s. Tell him exactly what you want and chances are, that’s what you’ll get. Guys are weird like that.

For balance and fairness, I thought I should also include a list of what guys want for Valentines:

  1. Sex.
  2. Maybe a sandwich.
  3. More sex.

Happy Valentine’s Week!