I had a really rough weekend.

My sister overdosed on Friday and spent the weekend in the hospital. She’s been in emergency many times before but this time I really thought I might actually lose her.

She couldn’t speak properly or see well. She couldn’t feel her body and she had problems with her memory.

And she was terrified. It was so heartbreaking to watch her cry. She kept asking if I could forgive her and that she did it for “a lot of reasons”.  The most painful part is that I know exactly how she feels. Why she does what she does.

It’s like a dark cloud that will not lift. And fear – all the time. It’s a pressure on your chest. And loneliness. Knowing that if you screamed, nobody would hear you. That nobody would care. And you’d do anything to numb the pain. To just forget. And in a desperate search for relief, you want to hurt yourself.

That’s how I started to run. Because running hurt. My muscles ached and I couldn’t breathe. Like an ice pick through your heart, it focused my mind on only trying to not collapse. The greater the physical pain, the deeper the emotional relief. It felt good to push until I could push no more.

My sisters and I – our lives are plagued with struggle. Ultimately we’re just trying to survive. And sometimes it takes yet another brush with death to remember how many times running has saved my own life.

Emma is home now, but you never quite recover from these things. They make you feel helpless and angry and scared all at the same time. It’s like my old horror story of a life sweeping back in and I’m powerless to stop it.

I just run… because it’s all I know how to do.

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4 responses

  1. I’m sorry you had to experience this.

    It’s a gut wrenching feeling… but you you need to remember that you are stronger now, you’re not the same person you were before, from the posts I’ve read, you run because it makes you feel good, perhaps you began running for different reasons but from what you write, you now run for life.

    You might be powerless to the actions of others, but how you react to them is your decision. Step up with determination and be honest to your sister about how her actions are affecting you. You know how she feels, so let her know that she needs to make a decision right now because this will either spiral to a deeper hole or she can also make the same stand you made and choose not to let her past take her down to even lower depths and/or to an eventual tragedy.

    Tell her she has to choose.
    Don’t make her choose, leave her with that question because in the end we cannot make people change, we can only allow them to see that they have a choice. Remind her that the past is gone and cannot be changed, the only thing we can change is ourselves and how we choose to see the world.

    p.s. A change of scenery might help her.

    Her greatest fear might be change, try and help her see that it’s not a bad thing, after all, you appear to have come a long way. :)

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