She’s 14 and she cuts her arms. A lot. The journey with my sister has been a long and terrifying roller coaster. When it started, it took up 100% of my time and energy. Hospital trips. Medications. Suicidal threats. Sleepless nights. Hours and entire days on the phone trying to find someone who could help her.
Since then she has been in and out of emergency wards and has even been picked up by the cops. When I decided to start training for my marathon, I took a step back and decided to trust a lot of the health care professionals that were involved with her. She has not gotten better. She is getting worse. Cutting deeper. Losing her inhibitions.
To be honest I have never known an existence without some sort of life altering crisis playing in the background. I don’t usually show hints of these issues as I’m living them, but during my strength training session yesterday my trainer noticed that something was wrong. Until now I have been able to keep this out of my training.
I don’t really know what more to do for my sister. The truth is that all my sisters have had to find some way of coping with our family life. I found running. My sister found cutting.
She cuts regardless of all efforts we’ve made to help her. She knows I’m here for her but she doesn’t talk to me, and I’m the one in the family she’s closest to. If I try to talk to her, she runs away. If I write her an email, she doesn’t reply. But there are things I have to say to her. So I asked her permission to write this post and she said yes. I’m hoping it will get through to her.
Here’s my letter:
Dear Emma,
I love you so, so much. I think you know that but you don’t hear it enough from the people around you. When you were a baby I was very protective of you. Even today, if anyone ever tried to hurt you, I would f***ing break them. But what can I do when you hurt yourself?
I know you don’t always have the words to explain what you’re feeling. But I need you to know that you’re not alone. I remember 14. I grew up in the same family. Emma, you don’t have to become like our family. You can choose your own path. You can be what you want. Like I am.
I know that being 14 feels like nothing is right in the world and everything is crashing down all around you. I know you’re lonely. I know it feels like nobody understands what you’re going through. I’ve been lonely too Emma. I know it’s the only feeling in the world that can make you want to die. I’ve thought about it. But it’s better to be strong. It’s better to live.
I know that cutting gives you the attention that you should have gotten all your life. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you from growing up the way you did. But we all went through the same things. We can hold each other up.
I don’t want you to die. You’re my baby sister, and the only sister I have that’s just like me. You’ll learn in time that not many women are built the way that we are. We can take crap that people don’t even imagine in their nightmares. We are unbreakable. We were built to survive.
This won’t last forever. Think about where you want to be when you’re my age. Your dream job. Where you want to live. Then reach for it with every fiber of your being. It will come.
In the meantime, you can bleed all over the place. You can scar yourself until nobody else wants to look. But I still will. As long as you’re alive I’m never going to give up on you. I don’t even know how.
Love,
Vanessa <3
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March 18, 2010 at 4:46 am
Carlos J.
I never talk to anyone about this and probably the anonymity of a blog maybe helps. This is what keeps me up at night like nights like tonight and I just so happened to be reading your sister’s blog earlier and I came back for some advice on running since i’m going to go on one in a couple of hours and now I find myself writing just to tell you how I feel, not that it matters because neither of you know me, but because how strongly I feel about what I read, so here I go…
Emma… listen to your sister… I’m just a stranger so I have no business in giving advice regarding your issues and my words probably have less meaning given that you don’t know me. But please listen to your sister, I have a brother with whom I have a similar situation except for the cutting you can substitute that with a different form of self damage. What makes it more difficult is that we are guys and it’s even harder for me to tell him how I feel because this is just the way we were brought up. I try to sit with him when he’s sitting around watching t.v. in hopes that he will open up and I also invite him to hang out with me from time to time but my efforts are always in vain because he just simply won’t talk about what bothers him, his fears, his hopes if he has any. I just don’t know.
He keeps to himself and although I don’t want to invade his personal space because I respect him as a person, I do try to communicate with him and I am successful at times but then there are days that I feel we are back to square one.
You do have a sister that has open ears and open arms for you, so know that you are in a far better situation than my brother because I really don’t know how to communicate with my brother, never mind writing him a letter to let him know how I feel. (I wrote him a small note one time and he just laughed so an attempt at a letter right now seems hopeless)
I love my brother just like your sister loves you.
The fact that she is there for you should give you a hint that there is some sort hope in your life because she is there to give you support along the way. “Life can be difficult at times and when we are younger those problems sometimes seem even bigger than they are.” But this is something that an adult would say from their point of view. A problem for someone as young as yourself, a 14yr old, is just as big as a problem for a 20,30,40,50ect. year old. I think this is the problem with the world that older people trivialize a kids, teenager’s or young adults problems and don’t really see how it actually affects them because in the end we are all people, one and the same no matter what age. The thing about a brother and a sister is that our lives are almost the same, not exactly because we all cope with things differently, however the key word is that we ‘understand’ the pain, hurt, feelings because our surroundings and upbringing have been similar in many ways.
I will stand by my brother’s side always, for he and I were also raised in an environment that can break a spirit as it did mine when I was younger and I hate to see him go through what I did as well.
One day at a time, that’s what I’m hoping with my brother as your sister is hoping with you… hope can come back to us as it was the case with me, I was always looking for a reason, hope, a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to be strong, we all find different reasons…as long as we breathe, there is hope, as long as you can get up the next day as hard as it may be, there is hope. Give your sister a chance to help you find it by talking to her, and maybe you can give a stranger like me, hope that I can also one day help my little brother.
I hope that you can both be strong together.
Take care.
March 18, 2010 at 7:33 am
vanessaruns
Message from Emma at 12:05am:
Thank you so much for the letter.
I know you love me and I love you too, im sorry for stressing you out.
The turtles need more food by the way, i think i only have enough for like 2 more days .
Oh, and I don’t cut for attention, I cut because it lets out the feelings that I cant express in words, the frustration and anger. Deeper = better
But anywas you know I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me and there is no way I can thank you enough for it. Sometimes I feel guilty for causing you so much pain, I havn’t been talking to you a lot lately so that you would have a break.
Take care
January 21, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Alex
Emma, I feel you I don’t cut for attention, although it seems like people think that. I feel that when I cut it let’s the emotional feelings out an physical feelings in physical feelings don’t matter because I play Sports a it lets the physical pain out.
March 21, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Carlos J.
At least some sort of communication is a start.
March 22, 2010 at 12:16 am
vanessaruns
Carlos – thanks so much for sharing your story. That was brave. A few others contacted me about this post but you’re the only one who posted your story here. I’m compiling a go-to list of help/suggestions/resources that might help anyone else reading this.
September 19, 2010 at 8:59 am
Corey
Emma you can tryy letting out feeelings by using otherr wayy (: im not suree this will help youu but i always do that when i wanna let out my angerr or feelings. As i always punchh the punching bag keep on doingg it and while you do it you can either scream it out loudd andd eachh punchh try to throww out your angerr (:
Takee caree emma (:
Peacee
January 21, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Alex
This really gets to me and I think you are sooo strong for dealing with this. Both you and your sister. I really hope your sister learns there is more to life than bullying teasing and self harm. I am Emma’s age and school makes me wanna kill myself. When I’m sad cutting is the first option for me. When my brother found out he was dissapointed which made me cut myself even more. I am still cutting it’s gotten better for me down to about twice a week. But I’m still scared of what my family will think when they find out. I need advice my best friend is going through a hard time. I sat next to her and saw her arm. I started crying and ran out of the room she didn’t know why. I saw her arm and it was COVERED in scars it scared me I had. It seen so many scars in my entire life. I saw her other arm and they were deeper. There was words such as, hell, fuck me, death. I’m scared for her and I don’t know what to do I’m scared if she finds out I know she won’t talk to me but at the same time I don’t want her to commit suicide. She has been saying I wonder what it would be like in hell I wish I was there fuck my life. Ease give me advice.
Thank you,
Alex B
January 21, 2012 at 6:08 pm
vanessaruns
Alex, thanks so much for sharing your story. That is so brave. Here is a site you can visit – this is a great, supportive place. There are people and resources who can really help. I hope you reach out to them. http://www.twloha.com/ Hang in there and never give up!
January 22, 2012 at 6:46 am
Alex
Thanks for the help!!!
~ Alex
February 14, 2012 at 6:08 am
Alex
Vannessa,
I called that ace and they gave me better info but I still cut and it’s really deep now. I tried to kill myself during school by jumping off the school stairs I hurt myself real bad and a teacher saw. She called the police and I have been in the hospital or a while. I need help I don’t wanna hurt myself anymore I tried to stab myself and ended up with stitches but pleez give me advice. Please try to help me!
Thanks,
Alex
February 16, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Ashley
Emma, or anyone else out there who cuts,
I am currently a cutter. I have been since December of 2011 and I keep doing it. I used to use a razor blade, but now I use a knife. I don’t hide the cuts and no one seems to see them. I know a site to go on but when I cut it feels as if the world is so much more relaxing. I do agree with the deeper=better. My boyfriend dumped me because I cut on our anniversary. I want him back soo much..I just want to tell everyone out there that there is hope. I shouldnt be talking because im a hypocrite but still. I know there is a place for me out there and I will soon officially stop cutting.
-Ashley
February 21, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Alex
This is a lot like me I used to used razors then scissors and now a knife. I need help though for me cutting is an addiction. My grandfather had a stroke today. The doctors said he isn’t gonna make it over the night. I tried to commit suicide on Friday of last week because of school. Now I go to a PHP program in northbrook. I have so much shit on my hands and all of it makes me feel worse. I wanna kill myself bad and I am almost certain I am going to try it again. I need someone to talk to and I want someone like u or Vanessa I am very good with helping people when it comes to addictions such as drugs and self harm. I am very hypocritical myself so please I won’t have to lie to u or anything if u want to get in contact that would be fine. I am 16. I am a girl.